Guest contribution by Cusilife: What has changed in my sex life, since I talk about it more openly Published on:

12/16/2017
On her blog called cusilife, Cosima writes about personality development, the love for oneself and sexuality. With giving advice or simply sharing her own stories, she wants to help you to strengthen the love for yourself. And most importantly to rediscover your sexuality. Any more questions? – Leave a comment on her blog.

Do you remember the first time you ever told someone about your first kiss? You were probably having a chat with your BFF, giggling about what has happened. At that time, there was nothing more interesting than that particular kiss.

You might have been in a similar situation with your first petting experience or your first time. Nevertheless, with a growing experience, the expectations grow as well. Ideals and thoughts about this issue start to run through your head.

How should I look like? How should I act? What do others want from me?

Besides the tingling, pressure is rising. In my article about sexual self-determination, I describe the conflict between “being a mousy girl and being a slut”. Some things did happen concering this subject. We talk about it more openly; there are more possibilities to get educated and to share experiences. The LGBTQ*-scene is growing and arouses more interest.

Exploring your body and sexuality, you might recognize many taboos and people being embarrassed talking about these matters. You may think: “Am I the only one who feels that way? Am I the only one who asks these questions? What about the others?”

The Tantra-Experience

For almost two years I researched a lot about sexuality, relationships, polyamory and self-love. My first Tantra-Retreat has been an important experience for me – six days, twenty strangers.

Tantra has many different aspects. It’s mainly about receiving higher spiritual levels by using the own body. That sounds a bit abstract:  We actually learned to listen to our bodies and to express our wishes and our limits. Every morning we meditated. We also learned different techniques of massages and tried them with one another. We practiced handling rejection and being naked in front of others without a sexual context. We could ask any questions and we realized: I’m not alone!

Since then this topic stayed in my mind. I take part in workshops on a regular basis and even hosted a few. I read and talk much about it and of course, I also try it myself. Since last year I write a blog about self-love and sexuality. That’s why this issue is very familiar to me.

These 7 aspects of my (sex-)life have changed since then:
  1. I don’t judge myself and others as often as before.
    You have an absurd fetish? Cool! You can act out your fetish with someone else? Even better!!! I don’t judge people on who they are, on what they live like or on whom they love. And I really appreciate that diversity.
  2. It’s not important what others think.
    By now I mostly listen to myself. I think about what I want, not about other people’s expectations.
  3. Talk about wishes, limits and feelings.
    What do I want? What are my pleasures? It’s not easy to answer these questions. And even if I know the answers: How can I express it? Often girls can’t talk about that as easy as boys do. But no matter the sex – it’s important to talk about what you want and what you don’t want in your sex life!
  4. Sex is not the goal.
    We learn that sex follows an established structure:  You make out, you pet, you take of each other’s clothes and then you have sex. Of course, it works! But it leaves out the adventure. There are so many things to discover and encounter with a partner. A quickie can be exciting, but taking time for each other is a very special experience. And it’s important to be able to say stop at any point.
  5. My sex life is more exciting and fulfilling.
    You become better the more you train. That sounds a bit too easy, but that’s the way it is. No one is born as a sex god. You got to try, learn new things and get to know each other better. Talk about it with others! That’s what good sex is about.
  6. I cuddle more.
    With guys and girls. Body contact is not just associated with a sexual or romantic context. Hugging, cuddling, lying arm in arm on the floor without asking: “What does that mean?” That’s simply amazing. You got to cuddle mooooooooooore!
  7. I’ve learned that sex and sexuality are  widely diversified.
    There’s not just that one “correct” way to have sex, there are many more. And you should try them all. No matter what, how and with whom you like it, that’s fine!
Sexuality is a journey.

You can take it with or without a map. You can get lost. You will find some great places and some you’d rather want to leave after a short time. I want to show you that it’s worth thinking about you, your body and your sexuality. It’s also totally fine to have no sex. There are so many other ways to be together.

Here I have a little insight out for you:

I will give you five beginnings of a sentence and you can complete them for yourself.
First thought – best thought.

The last time I had sex was…
I always wanted to try…
When talking about sex, I’m afraid of…
When I have sex, I pay attention to…
I always wonder…


These little exercises can help you to get closer to the things that matter to you. But it’s also a good practice for two.

Do what you want. Do it with love, respect and condoms.
Author: Cosima Siegling (cusilife)

Organisation: Team Blog

Youth against AIDS

This post was written by Jugend gegen AIDS Blog

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